BLOW OFF - Round 3

To all windsurf board makers: Stop claiming, stop changing and start talking English!

We head to the Brassiere at the top of the OXO Tower in central London to join two civilised fellows enjoying their favourite tipple and ranting about their favourite subject: bloody windsurfing! Here are the extracts….

Brian: Bit flash in here Jules. Certainly got more glam than the Legion in Wittering eh? The Italian waiters speak perfect English and this cuisine certainly lives up to its claims.

Jules: Shame we can’t say the same for the Windsurfing Industry eh? Pierre-Luigi there, he speaks great English, and he’s got all the talk about what’s on the menu, but he also delivers it, quite literally, on a plate. I‘ve been leafing through a load of brochures recently and I must say there are some outrageously daring claims and some appallingly bad English to boot! Why can’t these monkeys even translate their brochures sufficiently for us to understand our own language?

Brian: Steady on Jules. We can’t expect them to be perfect, I mean how’s your Italian or German?

Jules: Fair point Brian; perhaps it is all part of the fun trying to decode the Euro-jingo. But you used to be the marketing guy for Gaastra International and you guys translated the brochures into English, didn’t you?

Brian: Yeah but I couldn’t check, as I wasn’t fluent in German then (or now!)

Jules: Yeah but you could check the English couldn’t you. Why have standards slipped?

Brian: Are we missing the point? I mean I can’t get that angry about this. I’d be happy to copy-check for any International brands, for err, a small fee, but isn’t it what they are saying that’s the problem? I get the impression with some of the gear out there, it’s so good I could give up being a Judge and go and have a crack at the World Title!

Jules: I thought we were trying to be realistic Brian………

Brian: Alright, alright. But F2 say their Style-Guerrilla actually goes for the latest new-skool moves on flat water, and also ‘shreds waves’. Same with the JP Freestyle Wave, the Naish Vector, the AHD Mx…every brand has one. They reckon this is the ONE board for all conditions. Surely this makes them better than say the brands’ wave boards? Why should they bother making a pure freestyle board? I just don’t see how they can say THIS IS ALL YOU NEED then try and sell the punters a wave only or a freestyle only board as well.

Anyway back to the English…

I love the Euro word for a recreational sailor - a hobby sailor! And I love F2 for calling the wave guerrilla a ‘Beastly’ board!

Here’s another manufacturer claiming their board is ‘sexy, clean and harmonic’. What, it’s a frigging, well polished flute!!

Jules: How can a flute be sexy?

Brian: Ever seen American Pie?

Jules: What? Anyway, I really believe all the brands should join the Campaign for Plain English. The consumer would actually be able to tell the difference between products & make better choices as a result. It’s not just about poor translation, but the claims that make every product appear to have such a wide range of use because they want to appeal to as many customers as possible. It would be better if we could take some of these claims and test them for ourselves really. They might be right, you never know?

Brian: Do you reckon Aunty Lou (the Editor) would swing it for us and let us write tests for her Boardseeker readers?

Jules: Hardly Brian, she threatened to spank us already for handing in our column late. Although, if we did write our test reports in a straight-talking, no nonsense, call a spade a spade kind of way, somebody might like it, Nest pas?

Brian: I was thinking of the parallel with surfboards Jules. The design factors are the same as in windsurfing (for wave boards anyway) yet they are regarded as being set in stone. You have the simple elements of rocker, rails and outline which make boards for various conditions. They’ve tried everything in surfing over the years and it all has its place, but it all comes back to classic shapes in the end.

Surfboards are now mass produced at the Cobra factory, yet their value remains higher as things just don’t change needlessly year on year. A windsurf board is a mass produced, high tech product but with rubbish residual value because they claim to change some design feature every single year.

Jules: Once again Brian, a good point well made.

Brian: So the point here is this: we think windsurf manufacturers should ‘calm down’ a bit. Chill out on the claims, change the glitzy language and make it clear what things are designed for. I know they have to sell stuff and try and make their products different from their rivals, but let’s do it clearly and concisely, or I might get upset again.

Jules: Yes. I think another couple of large Grappas please for Brain, Pierre-Luigi. Grazzi. I’ve got one last thing to say to you..... In the words of the mighty windsurf brand Wayler from 1983……GO FLY, BLACK KNIGHT OF THUNDER!

The boys about to blow up!

"Why can't these monkeys even translate their brochures sufficiently for us to understand our own language?"

"Surfboards are now mass produced at the Cobra factory, yet their value remains higher as things just don't change needlessly year on year."

"Chill out on the claims, change the glitzy language and make it clear what the boards are actually designed for."