Diary of a Desperate Windsurfer, Age 29 and a half

Thursday 10th June: Savaged by windsurf Pro’s dog!

Weather: SW Force 3-4 increasing Force 5-6
Successful carve gybes: 1 and a half!!!!
No. of times savaged by a rather large dog: 3

Wind at last! The damaged surf wagon had to be hot wired, oh yeah it doesn’t start either, and coaxed into action for a trip to meet up with Clyde Waite at Hayling Island for my first decent sail in ages. A seriously overpowered sailing session on a 7.5m Tushy T’bird results in me destroying the nose of my trusty Tabou 3style again during a particularly ferocious catapult, a feat achieved previously at the first slalom event of the year, again at Hayling Island strangely enough.

My place to crash for the evening was arranged by Clyde and being the professional couch crasher that he is, he had managed to secure lodging’s at Naish teammate and Professional Windsurfer, Jan Sleigh’s home in Rowlands Castle.

In return we would have to walk his dog. Fair trade one might say but not considering the creatures desire to eat small babies and children before bounding haplessly through the traffic. Top tip to Jan : get a cat. We went to a friend’s house in East Wittering instead, no cats but quite a mad Welsh girl who became equally frenzied.

Wednesday 16th June: Jez’s knob, firm but pliable

Semi planing carve gybes: 4
Chop hops: 2

After much thought, purchased a “Jez’s knob” from H2O Windsurfing Shop in Poole in an attempt to stop continued destruction of the plank. I went out on a 5.8m Boxer and Tabou 3 Style at Poole harbour yet again and managed to link some turns together and I was suitably impressed with myself.

Saturday 19th June : swanky new wagon

Cheques written: one rather large one

Purchased new surf wagon in the big city. Broke all the rules of car buying when I purchased a Passat estate in a car park in the Docklands in the pouring rain from a guy I’d never met who was selling it on behalf of one of his wives, with his mobile number as the only contact details! Even worse was that it was £1800 under list price, according to my trusty Parkers guide, and the insurance company was pretty sure that the registration matched that of a Mitsubishi rather than a VW, but hey it was a nice colour and can fit all the kit in so I bought it. It’s not like the cheques going to clear anyway.

Tuesday 22nd June : Fraser Tarentino

Carve gybes: 2
Thoughts of women: 3, mainly Uma Thurman in yellow catsuit.

Sailed on the usual trusty combination of Naishboxer and Tabou 3 style in a gusty SE wind at Poole harbour. Most of my time was spent trying to carefully load kit in and out of my shiny new wagon without dripping any evil, caustic saltwater onto the furry upholstery, along with the sudden realisation that my key could no longer go in my harness. A very snazzy key holder was purchased from H2O for the ghastly sum of £13, which is pretty pricey considering that it’s a glorified poly bag. It did however work a treat.

My shocking sailing was brutally punished by a rather large headed whippet on a minute board and sail who continuously felt the need to carve gybe around my carve gybe catastrophes and then provide helpful hints and tips. All this was done in the nicest possible manor but I still felt Kill Bill type thoughts as I smiled and nodded at his suggestions, which to be honest were entirely reasonable. But why do the more talented amongst the windsurfing fraternity feel the need to mock the hapless beginner with such displays of bravado?

I know for a fact that it’s going to be insanely windy tomorrow but I’m in a clinic treating another bored housewife, life’s tuff but what can you do.

Wednesday 23rd June: Big Wednesday

Weather: Force off the Beaufort scale
Wave height: Bigger than my house
Windsurfing thoughts: There is no way I am going out in that, you fool.

Stupidly windy today, even my Y fronts got blown off the washing line. I didn't manage to get out 'cos I was on X-ray duty, a fortunate, but believable excuse, although it was hard not to get distracted by the raging winds that made it hard to even get my coat on and open the door of my shiny new car, let alone rig up.

Thursday 24th June : Darius, sounds like a popstar to me

Weather: still pretty windy, Force 6 with the occasional Force 10 gust
Gybes: hmmm…
Jumps: loads, by accident

Finally after being tormented by so much wind, I managed to get out on my Boxer 5.0 at Poole Harbour and witness some people doing spinney slidey things (gits!). It did mean missing the England match, I was quite pleased to be honest, I mean what were they thinking, Darius on for Rooney? Losing the Rugby too, only Henmania to disappoint now. Maybe we will get another British windsurfing world champion, unlikely to be me however. You will be pleased to know that Jez’s knob is working a treat!

Sunday 27th June : It is still windy, it is still hot and it is still sunny! Do I live in the UK?

Weather: SW Force 4-5
New body parts needed: All of them
No of Gybes: more than 1
Chop hops in control: 2
Chop hops not in control: 136

What a weekend, sunny and windy, followed by more sun and more wind. You would have thought I would be getting loads better at this windsurfing business but someone keeps putting brick walls in my way, lucky they did earlier in the month to stop my old car getting totally trashed. Sheet in harder, I tell myself, and bend my knees, lean in to the turn. I can do it in my head almost every time! The problem is I can also do forward loops in my head, and successfully take Uma Thurman out for dinner, and convincingly beat Schumacher round Silverstone all in the same day! Fortunately learning to treat back problems is a little easier….