Diary of a desperate windsurfer
- the September report
It’s getting towards windy season again
with the added bonus of some last drops of sun
and warm seas, what more could you ask for?
Saturday 4th September: No wind alternative number
1: Mountain biking
OK I realise that this is a windsurfing article
but we all need a change occasionally and mountain
biking is an excellent no wind alternative.
| Pro's |
Con's |
| Great for getting fit |
Chunky blokes in spandex |
| Cute girls in spandex |
Quite easy to break yourself |
| Suitably scary |
Fairly expensive |
I
was cycling around the Leith Hill area in Surrey
which provides fantastic mountain biking with
some well signposted purpose built trials put
together by Redlands Trails.
There are loads
more of these purpose built routes all over
the country which are often worth a weekend visit.
Check out these websites:
www.justridingalong.com
www.redlandstrails.org
www.singletrackworld.com
Wednesday 8th September: The Rule
Number of cute new Freshers at college: hmm,
girls are great.
Likelihood of being arrested: High, please your
honour she looked at least 30.
Number of sober hours in the day: Not enough.
It’s my 8th Freshers week! Yeah, I know
it’s pretty sad that I’m still at college
lusting after 18 year olds, honestly that is not
my real reason for still being here. They are really
cute though.
The problem is that there is a fairly unknown
Rule to be applied to prevent any protective fathers
chasing you down the street with a shotgun commenting
on testicle removal and such like obscenities.
All a bit too redneck and unnecessary, consequently
to prevent such scenario’s there is a rule
to be applied which is:
½ your age + 7
For example, for me this means 30
/ 2 +7 = 22 years old. Obviously women should apply
this rule to any potential male suitors to ascertain
whether he’s a pathetic loser who can’t
pull anyone in his age bracket.
Thursday 9th September: The Real Technique Guide
Chaps
like Harty, Jem Hall, Cribby and Iain Hunter
make a fortune (possibly a minor exaggeration)
each year attempting to break down complex windsurfing
moves into easy bite size chunks. But you’ll
be shocked to know that they’ve been
stringing you along the wrong path for a very
long time and that any windsurfing move can
be learnt with the correct incentive. Yes that’s
it, we’ve
hot chick’s on the beach, I’ve
never pulled off so many gybes and jumps in
my life. I suppose that it’s obvious
really; falling off and flailing around looks
seriously uncool and that’ll never work
out for you in the après windsurf
arena. So next time you go out, take a
few ladies with you and bust out those
moves. Or take a large cardboard cut out
of a Nicole over there on the right, and you will be pulling every trick off in the book/
Now all of this
is rather sexist but the same rule applies
to the girls so here’s one for
you:
Saturday 11th September: Branksome Chine.
Days
fun factor rating: A Spinal Tap overdrive 11
out of 10.
Scary moments: Pretty much the
whole day!
It took dynamite and the possibility of parma
ham sandwiches to coax my windsurfing buddies
into going out. Unfortunately these guys are
actually quite good and there was no pootling
around in Poole harbour, we were off to Branksome.
It’s an ace place to sail with easy parking,
launching and a massive area to play in. Plus
if like me you’re a bit pants, there’s
also a RNLI beach rescue station. The general
consensus was 5.0m sails and small boards in
the strong SW wind, which proved to be spot
on. Clearly I couldn’t turn round as
there were no women on the beach but it was
cool all the same with some great bumps to
jump and ride down.
Monday 13th September: Shoot me
No really, getting yourself videoed or having
a few snaps taken will really highlight those
nasty faults and help with your technique, for
example:
1.I can almost guarantee that I’m looking
at my feet and not where I’m going
2.I sheet out way too much
3.What’s with the legs? I look like some
bow leg circus act. My ankles should be bent
and the hips sunk down, rather than the bury
me in a Y-shaped coffin look.
16th – 19th September: Poole Windfest
Symptoms: Nausea, headache,
squits, dizziness (hmm, no change there then).
Diagnosis: Life threatening disease,
ah come on, I’m male, the slightest snivel
is lethal
Prognosis: A lot of whinging.
Treatment: Girls or Poole windfest
I was holding back the vom on Saturday so the
legendary Windfest party on the Saturday night
seemed an ill advised choice due to the lack
of toilets in close proximity to the venue. I
showed up on Sunday to find Josh Stone, apparently
not the cute soul diva I was expecting, and Robby
Swift trying to run a competition to give a board
away. The competition descended into, paper,
scissors, stone (no pun intended obviously) with
Steve Westwood (black fleece on the right) winning
the best of 3. |
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The alternative card board cut outs...
Remember the rules.
Oh Nicole, watch this mmmmm.
Not bad at Branksome.
Prowling the shoreline for an improver bunny!
Hmm, something seems to be wrong.
Paper, Scissor, (Josh) Stone.
The only reliable rail ride in the UK!!
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