About the Clones

  A question asked by windsurfers, manufacturers, magazines and even by your average farmer is just how do you find the perfect blend of testing personnel when a conundrum of opposing qualities are required?
PHOTOS: Simon Crowther

Opposites Attract

They have to be athletic but lazy (sorry all the pro’s are out of the equation), fat but fit, fast but yet at the same time slow, quick to learn but also a bit backward in acquiring new skills. They also have to be able to jump high, plane out of gybes, spock, flaka, backloop, forward loop, ride waves smack lips and carry huge amounts of kit around. Yet, they need to be learning how to use the harness, chop hop, beach start, water start, struggle with gybes, plane with lesser mortal technique and they need to have plenty of experience, but at the same time no experience whatsoever.

Just how do you combine these opposites and idiosyncrasities into a matrixesque team of willing testers, keen to take whatever the UK weather throws at them?

At Boardseeker HQ the shortlist got shorter and shorter, until not even a very short person was on the list. It was then that after some herbal tea, a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and an evening wisely spent watching ‘Star Wars – Attack of the Clones’ with the Ginger twins that the penny dropped!

The ultimate testing team would have to be genetically engineered and modified. At great expense to Boardseeker and the Welsh Assembly (who have a wealth of knowledge and funding for this sort of antic, remember Dolly the sheep), the manufacture of the Boardseeker Clones began.

Dr Heinz Jerkov Wanke (relative of the great Klepper shaper Helmut Wanke) explains.

“Ya, it vas actually vely straight forward ya. We knew that we needed to get as wider a range of windsurfing abilities as possible. In the first instance we selected 100 windsurfers and unknown to them stole their bier glass for a swab of DNA containing saliva. We expected nothing, as we knew that such talents as windsurfing could not be acquired genetically. Well, I nearly dropped my moustache comb, when upon condensation of chromosome 11, there was an anomaly in the base pairing of the codons, a freak mutation related to the windsurfers had happened in all the cases bar one.

From then on it was an easy task, using some DNA from a normal human being gamete (the human sperm cell) as our template; we extracted the codon base pairs from the 100 windsurfers and carefully swapped them with the existing genes of a normal person (the ones that control the emotion and certain undesirable brain functions). We also modified the hypothalamus gene to enable the certain excretion of chemicals to control the behaviour. Upon later keyword training this would make the clone suddenly become any type of windsurfer.

(This behaviour modification is highly unethical, so we suggest you do not try it at home.)

Upon successful implantation of our windsurfer genes into the strand of the normal human being we allowed it to replicate under the strict conditions using a special transcription enzyme I found in Tesco. We then implanted the replicated new clone DNA containing nucleus into the empty ovum of the female species, and imposing onto the cell an electric shock, barely enough to power my nose clippers. Cell fusion took place and the perfect windsurfing zygote was then complete.

The next stage, common to the human pregnancy; a host mother is needed. A lack of suitable donors in the North Wales surgery left me with another conundrum. One late night, I literally bumped into the answer. After untying her from the post of a lamp, I found Betty, or that is what I have come to call her. I find her bleating therapeutic and meditative. Betty was the perfect host, she could carry the clones adequately for the initial myopic replication until they were ready for our special incubators and nutrient rich ARSE (Artificial Respiratory Stimulating Endocrine) unit. There was one more stage before multiple clonal generation. We removed some of the initial blastocyst stem cells that are precursors to an embryo. These were replicated to form several clones and frozen alongside some Welsh trout I caught the other day in Bangor.

Whilst the cloning was a scientific success, needing only water, pasta, salt 'n vinegar crisps and baked beans to survive, the looks were, even by my lenient standards, quite intolerable. It was necessary to surgically attach face masks to remove my nausea. The clones work rate has proven astonishing. With the behavioural modification we are able to change their windsurfing traits immediately, for example, we need a Numpty - we get just that. I await my book to be published and further greatness.”

Thank you very much Dr Heinz.

Whilst Dr Heinz was working on the cloning technology, we have been putting some great minds together to come up with an interactive way of accessing our testing results, that we hope you find extremely interesting, informative and hopefully invaluable.


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CREDITS: Simon Crowther
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